


right now (I wish you were here with me)

by firstpynch



Category: Dreamer Trilogy - Maggie Stiefvater, Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, College Student Adam Parrish, Domestic Fluff, I wrote this because I was sad lol, M/M, Mention of Child Abuse, Post-The Raven King, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, idk how to tag, it's all about the yearning bro, set in the cdth universe but with a major change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:01:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25315720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstpynch/pseuds/firstpynch
Summary: Adam Parrish never does get what he wants, but he made his peace with that. People like us don’t get what we want, Robert Parrish’s fists had drummed into him, and Adam is nothing if not a quick study.And yet. And yet.Truth is, there is a lot that Adam wants, but nothing quite as much as Ronan Lynch.--au where the nightwash does not make an appearance when Ronan visits Harvard, and they really do go and view apartments together.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 12
Kudos: 124





	right now (I wish you were here with me)

**Author's Note:**

> I've pretty much been toying with the idea of nightwash NOT happening and pynch going and looking at apartments and being in love and domestic and I had to do it eventually.
> 
> title is a one direction song because I'm a basic bitch, and also because I have a weirdly large number of 1ds on my pynch playlist

Adam Parrish and  _ want  _ had a very complicated relationship. 

He is no stranger to wanting something - perhaps more than most. He wanted to get out of Henrietta, leave the dirt road of the trailer far behind, both geographically and literally. He wanted a car - those sleek ones Aglionby boys would bring into Boyds, the ones whose undersides he is intimately familiar with, but could do nothing but long for. He wanted a full bank balance, the kind where he could swipe his card at the store without a second thought, where he could buy those chocolate cakes he had traded Ronan for once and couldn’t quite get the taste off his tongue. He wanted a posh apartment with an AC and heating and warm water he could stand under for as long as he likes without having to worry about bills. He wanted food on the table, the hunger in his stomach sated for once. He wanted to not have to miss meals in order to make rent. He wanted a life that was about living, not existing. He wanted a home that was to be cherished, not left. He wanted love that consisted of tender touches. He wanted, he wanted, he wanted.

But then again, Adam was used to not getting what he wants. He had learnt a long time ago that want doesn’t mean much for people like him; it’s needs that surpass everything else. He wants to sleep with a full belly, but he needs to pay rent. He wants to put a smile on Gansey’s face, to accept what Gansey offers and be happy to receive it, but he needs his pride more. He wants to be able to hear out of his left ear, to not flinch when touched suddenly, to hear I love you from Ronan’s lips and let himself truly believe he deserves it. 

Adam Parrish never does get what he wants, but he made his peace with that.  _ People like us don’t get what we want,  _ Robert Parrish’s fists had drummed into him, and Adam is nothing if not a quick study. 

And yet. And yet. 

Truth is, there is a lot that Adam wants, but nothing quite as much as Ronan Lynch. 

He wants it all with Ronan - a life, for Ronan to belong to him, and to have him belong to Ronan in return. Adam Parrish was a lonesome creature by nature. Growing up dirt poor meant nothing had truly belonged to him - not his education, which was at the mercy of the Aglionby scholarship. Not his life, which Robert Parrish had spared and told him to feel lucky he hadn’t been beaten to death. Not his senses, which his father had so carelessly snatched away from him. The only thing Adam Parrish had which belonged to his own name was his independence, his autonomy, and there was nothing he valued more.

And yet. Yet. With Ronan, it doesn’t feel like he is giving himself up. No - he is giving himself up, but he isn’t losing himself. Loving Ronan feels as charged as making a deal with Cabeswater. It is a constant rustle in his deaf ear, a melodious hum repeating nothing but  _ home, home, home.  _

Ronan Lynch was home. 

His entire life has led up to one single moment - getting out of Henrietta. Of course, the exact details always changed. Before Aglionby, he assumed his departure from Henrietta would be quiet and void of any goodbyes, that there would be nothing and no one he would ever talk to again, but meeting Gansey and Blue and Noah and Ronan had given him someone to say goodbye to. Before that disastrous night, he thought his departure would be precluded by his father’s banging fists, but now the only thing he remembers from his last conversation with his parents was the power he felt, finally leaving them behind. 

The exact details may have changed, but the end goal was always the same - leave, and never look back. 

And yet, as autumn delved into winter, and winter into spring, and spring into summer, the restlessness in Adam calmed down. He still wanted to leave - he has to, as if an invisible spring under his feet is constantly trying to propel him forward, up and up and into the air until he crosses the boundary of Henrietta - but the incessant drumming of his brain which told him to leave also added a new message.  _ Come back home.  _

Home wasn’t Henrietta, or St Agnes, or Monmouth, or even the Barns - though Adam loved the latter with every magical drop in his being. Home was Ronan, and as Adam had lay curled up against Ronan’s chest the night before he left, the fire that has been under his feet for as long as he can remember suddenly seemed to be dissipating. He had spent his whole life looking forward to the moment he leaves, had spent countless lonely nights imagining it when everything got too much to bear, and yet, being so close to the moment in question, all he could do was wish that morning never came. He wanted to freeze the moment right there and then and just simply stay by Ronan’s side forever, inhaling Ronan’s scent of wood and rain and dreams and  _ home _ , straining his ear to hear Chainsaw cawing in the distance. 

“Is there any version of you that might come to Cambridge with me?” Adam had blurted out, the words coming out before they had even registered in his brain. 

Adam knows what the Barns means to Ronan, that staying in the Barns is as important to Ronan as going to Harvard is to Adam, and he had sworn that he would never ask Ronan to choose between his home and him, the same way Ronan had refused to make Adam choose. But he had not been able to stop imagining a future where he would come home from class and see Ronan sprawled in their home - a place that belongs unequivocally to them - imagines waking up beside Ronan every morning instead of worrying about what the distance will do to them. 

Adam would never make Ronan choose, but that didn’t stop him from  _ wanting _ . 

“Maybe,” Ronan had replied.  _ Maybe.  _

Hope had soared in his heart.

And here Ronan is, standing in front of him, so close that he can see the silver flecks in Ronan’s blue eyes. 

“I’m looking at apartments. Tomorrow,” he says. His hands freeze where they were lazily stroking Ronan’s buzzed head. His instincts tell him to analyse it, to think of why it may not work, but his brain isn’t working. He only hears one thought, getting louder and louder. 

_ I want I want I want I want _

Ronan’s eyes are staring at him uneasily, a hidden vulnerability in its depths that Adam can read clearly. Ronan looks like he is bracing himself for a rejection, and Adam wants to laugh at how absurd the very idea is. 

“Don’t just say that.” He hates how breathless his voice sounds, that he is seconds away from crying, but it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter, because it’s Ronan, and Ronan knows him better than he knows himself.  __ “Don’t just throw it out. I can’t…”  _ I can’t let myself hope. I can’t believe I can have it, because then not having it will kill me.  _

The words remain unsaid, but Ronan understands it anyway. He leans over and presses a soft butterfly kiss on Adam’s deaf ear, then his good one. “I’m not just saying it,” he promises, his voice uncharacteristically soft, and Adam believes. Ronan is still talking, but Adam’s brain has switched off completely, only two thoughts vocal. The reasons it will not work, and then the still incessant rhythm of  _ I want, I want, I want.  _

He voices his thoughts, and Ronan rebuttals all of them half heartedly. Finally, Ronan reads him, like he always does. “What’s the face for?” he asks, as if he still thinks Adam will reject him. 

“I want it too much,” Adam finally relents, and Ronan immediately understands. 

Ronan kisses him softly, so, so softly. “This will work, Adam,” he vows, and Adam so badly wants to believe him. 

Afterwards, after he had led Ronan to his bed and vowed again and again to stay, to choose each other no matter what, had finally collapsed with his head on Ronan’s chest and woken up in the morning feeling at home, he found that Ronan was already looking at him. 

“Mornin’” he grumbled hoarsely, his voice thick with his accent. Ronan grinned, rubbing lazy circles on his back. “Rise and shine, shithead,” he whispered, “we have the first viewing in a hour.” 

Adam was suddenly more awake. “No dreams?” he asked tentatively. 

Ronan’s face was somber. “No,” he said decisively. “I can control it, Adam. I promise.” 

The smile on Adam’s face this time was genuine, hopeful, abashed. He curled back into Ronan’s side, bare skin touching as Ronan intertwined their hands together and reverently pressed chaste kisses on his knuckles. 

“So, I was thinking,” Ronan began. 

“Oh, no,” Adam murmured into his chest. “You sure you’re feeling okay?” 

Ronan laughed suddenly, half-heartedly shoving Adam with his shoulder. “Fuck off!”

Adam laughed loudly, and then winced, remembering Fletcher is still asleep on his side of the room. 

“So what is this breakthrough you had?” he asked, playing with Ronan’s hand. 

“We should make a list,” Ronan says. “Of things we want in the apartment.” He pronounced “ _ we _ ” slowly and carefully, leaving no room for argument. 

“I can’t move in,” Adam says, “not this year anyway. Dorms are already paid for until June. I’m guessing we’ll be going back to the Barns for summer. So really I can’t move in until September.” 

“You’ve thought about it,” Ronan says, pleased. He looks a bit surprised at Adam’s thought process, as if it had not occurred to him that Adam might actually go with him. 

Adam spent all night thinking about it. He has it all planned out.

“One of us has to plan things,” Adam says. Ronan smirks. “It’ll be fine. Like last year when you were at St Agnes.” 

Adam smiles, and Ronan doesn’t attempt to hide the indulgent way in which he watches Adam. 

“I want to pay some of the rent,” Adam says. It’s not about pride, this time around. It isn’t about being independent or having autonomy. It’s simply about sharing something with Ronan. 

“Move in first, then we’ll talk.” 

Adam laughs, but doesn’t refute it. 

“I want it to have a bath tub,” Adam says suddenly. Ronan glances at him. “The list of what we want. I want a bathtub.” Ronan reaches over to Adam’s bed side table, grabbing the pen and flashcards stack Adam had left on it. “Bath tub,” he says, scrawling it on the paper in barely legible handwriting. “What else?” 

Adam hums. “A balcony or some sort of outdoor space to grow plants.” Ronan smiles, writing that down. 

“I want off road parking,” Ronan says. “I’m not leaving my baby out on the stupid city roads. And 2 bedrooms, so that if Matthew or Opal or Gansey or someone visit there is a place for them.” 

The thought of Ronan planning so long term makes something flutter in Adam’s heart, and he grabs Ronan, pulling him down and firmly kissing him. Ronan hums into the kiss. “What was that for, Parrish?” he smirks. 

Adam looks at him earnestly. “I love you.” It is not like they haven’t said it before, but it is true that those three words are not a common occurrence, not in the way “tamquam alter idem” is. Even almost a year later, saying I love you, or hearing it from Ronan, makes Adam want to burst with happiness. 

“I love you too,” Ronan says, chastely kissing him. “I want it all with you, Adam,” he says. “You know that, don’t you?” 

Adam nods, melting under the intensity of Ronan’s gaze. 

He glances over at the clock on the wall. “To move in, we’re gonna actually have to make it to the viewings.” 

He hauls himself off Ronan, grabbing his boxers from the floor and softly paddling to the joint en suite. He feels Ronan’s gaze on him, heavy and appreciative, which makes him flush happily. 

The rest of their morning goes in a daze. Adam informs his friends where he and Ronan are off to, and is grateful his friends don’t make a big deal out of it. He has talked about Ronan enough for them to understand how important this is, after all. 

They meet Declan just behind the Harvard gate, talking intently on his phone. Declan straightens up and disconnects quickly when he spots the couple walking towards him. 

“Parrish,” Declan says in greeting, stiffly holding his hand out. Adam shakes it, nodding. Ronan’s coming out to Declan had been uneventful, to say the least. Adam never thought Declan would make a big deal out of Ronan being gay - Declan certainly isn’t the devout Catholic in the Lynch family - but he was uneasy as to what Declan’s reaction would be to  _ him _ . He didn’t care, not really - he had had a lifetime without family approval, and he wasn’t going to let Declan’s views dictate his and Ronan’s relationship. But he knew Ronan needed everything to go well, even if he claimed Declan’s opinion meant nothing to him, so Adam was relieved when Declan seemed to approve of him, even if a little weary. Matthew skips over and hugs Ronan and then Adam, and his affectionate touches catch Adam back, even if he is beginning to get used to it now. Matthew Lynch accepted Adam into their family with speed and grace, and it always chokes Adam up a bit. 

Their ride to the first apartment was short, the silence in the car filled with Matthew talking speedily, catching Adam up with everything that has been happening since they last saw each other. Even Ronan didn’t manage to get into a fight with Declan, instead just staring quietly out of the window next to Adam, the only noises coming from him the occasional hums to something Matthew says. 

Declan pulls up in front of a brownstone apartment complex. It looks homely and lived in, the kind of place that is intentionally made to look rustic. 

“I’m going to take Matthew to get some coffee,” Declan says, and Adam feels a surge of respect for Ronan’s older brother, who seems to understand that this is something Adam and Ronan need to do alone. 

“Come on, Parrish,” Ronan says. “We’re going up to the top floor.” 

As they walk to the building hand in hand, Adam catalogues every tiny detail he can find. The elevator; spacious and sleek, the staircase, large and curling in a way that looks strangely like Aglionby. They meet the agent in front of the elevator, a woman with a friendly smile and curling blonde hair. “Mr Lynch?” she says. Ronan grunts. Adam sticks his hand out. “Adam Parrish, and this is my boyfriend, Ronan Lynch. Pleasure to meet you.” The woman takes his hand and shakes it firmly. “Nice to meet you Mr. Parrish. Mr Lynch.” she nods at Ronan. “My name is Maya. I’ll be showing you around the apartment.” 

She takes a key out, pushing the door open. The lounge in front of them is spacious. The window frame is a dark, wooden brown, plenty of light filtering in, making the dark floorboards look lighter. The kitchen is attached to the lounge, made up of the same dark wood. Maya turns to them, “feel free to look around.” 

They are still holding hands, Adam and Ronan, and Adam only tightens his grip on Ronan’s hand in a silent question. Ronan reciprocates. They walk around hand in hand, first to the kitchen, where Ronan one handedly opens cupboards experimentally. Adam laughs silently. “I’m the one who spends more time in the kitchen than you,” Ronan says defensively, and only giggles, reaching over and planting a quick kiss on Ronan’s cheek. 

The bathroom has a bathtub and shower attached to it, which Adam notes appreciatively, and the bedroom has a spacious balcony attached to it, overlooking the Charles River. The bedroom itself is big, with a fitted wardrobe and it’s own attached bathroom, a spare guest room next to it. It is lived in, and slightly old fashioned, and nothing like the kind of modern apartment Adam had imagined himself. He falls in love with it immediately. 

He glances up at Ronan the same time Ronan looks at him, and both of them just  _ know.  _

“We’ll take it,” Ronan says to Maya, and Adam can’t help but pull Ronan over and kiss him with every ounce of strength in his body. 

The incessant drumming in his veins, the constant  _ I want I want I want I want  _ that always echoes through his body dies down, and is replaced with something else, something that Adam likes far more. 

_ Home, home, home.  _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it! if you want, scream at me on Tumblr: @firstpynch


End file.
